Hamlet Act V!
by Paris
Summary: Done for Mr. Daily English 12 Group Project! Its all of Act Five in Plain American English, with nothing left out.. and can be performed in under 10 mins ;)


1st Digger:: So she killed herself, and they are still givin her a Christin burial anyways?

2nd Digger: Yep, by the Kings orders!

1st Digger:: Mabey she didn't have a choice?

2nd Digger: They say that she was loopy anyway, Besides the only reason why she is being barried her is because she has to be a noble. 

1st Digger:: So its alright to change the rules for nobles, but if some other lower class decieds to end it all, they get disgrased and then thrown out.

2nd Digger: You guessed it, Had me a shovel lets get this darn thing dug.

(Enter Hamlet and Haratio some distance away)

1st Digger:: See Ya.. Have fun!

(Exit 2nd GraveDigger)

1st Digger:: "It was an itsy-bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow polka-dot bikini, that she wore for the first time that day..." 

Hamlet: That dude is in bad taste for singing while he is diggin graves

Horatio: Give the man a break he digs people's graves fro god sake!

Hamlet: That must be it! 

1st Digger:: (Sings, Picks up Shovel) Mama take this badge from me  
I can't use it anymore  
It's getting dark too dark to see  
Feels like I'm knockin' on heaven's door  
  
Knock-knock-knockin' on heaven's door  
Knock-knock-knockin' on heaven's door....

_(Gravedigger hits a skull with his shovel. The graveyard is old and no coffins are used, so he has to move old bones to make room for the new bodies. He throws up a skull out of the grave, and it lands by Hamlet and Horatio._)

Hamlet: What if that Skull could talk, I bet that it would tell a tell that no other could tell.

Horatio: I bet he or she could, but they can not for they are no longer alive. 

Hamlet: It could have been anyone. Just think of that Horaito, it could have been your old 1st grade teacher.. What was her name.. Mrs Write Right?

Horatio: Yes it could have been. 

Hamlet: Now look that person is now nothing more than a thing to get in the way of the Digger.

1st Digger:_[Singing] _There's a lady who's sure  
All that glitters is gold  
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.  
When she gets there she knows  
If the stores are all closed  
With a word she can get what she came for.  
Ooh, ooh, and she's buying a stairway to heaven.

_(Tosses up another skull)_

Hamlet: Look there is another one, and yet another story untold. What have you ever done to do this?

Horatio: It sure is, can we go now this place is giving me the creeps!

Hamlet: This parchemt is made of sheepskin? 

Horatio: Yes.. And calveskin too!

Hamlet: Even dead cows and sheep have more use than us.. Hey You Down in the grave! Who is this?

1st Digger:: MINE!! Sir (_Sings_) And she's buying a stairway to heaven_ (Sung very slow..)_

_(Tosses up another skull)_

Hamlet: Who is this?

1st Digger:: A real wacky Son of a Mother, take a guess?

Hamlet: *thinking* Not a clue..

1st Digger:: A real jerk of a guy, This is Yorik, the kings jester!

Hamlet: Really... WoW!

1st Digger:: I'm DEAD Serious!

Hamlet: Let me See.. (Takes the Skull)

Horatio: WoW.. OoOoOO

Hamlet: Who are you didging this grave for?

1st Grave Digger: A Woman, Sir but is now expired. 

Hamlet: Show me a little respect man! How long have you dug?

1st Digger:: Since the Old King Hamlet, defeated Old Fortinbras..

Hamlet: How LONG!

1st Grave Digger: What rock have you been under.. Eveyone kins that it was the same day that young Hamlet was brought into this world. You know the crazy mofo they just sent off to England. 

Hamlet: Why did they send him to England?

1st Digger:: Cause he was crazy, A few tacos short of a combination plate. Lights where on but no one was home. You know? But he should return home soon enough, and if he doesn't he will be in good company.

Hamlet: Why??

1st Digger:: Cause the British are all crazy too.. Have you seen their dramas.. Heck Love Actually.. What a name.. What a movie... Crazy I tell you.. Allen Rickman better keep his job as Severus Snape, cause he can't act in anything else.. And don't even get me started on Hugh Grant..

Hamlet: Exuse Me.. Why did he go to cooko cooko

1st Digger:: Well they really don't say.. Its kinda under-raps.. 

Hamlet: How Strange!

1st Digger: Well they dsay he just snapped after his father died.. He was the king,, his father was,

Hamlet: What Set me.. Er him off?

1st Digger:: I really don't know

Hamlet: How long does it take a body to rot?

1st Digger:: Eight to nine years...A tanner will take longer.

Hamlet: Shhhh Here comes the king.. HIDE!!

_[Enter King, Queen, Laertes, a coffin with pallbearers and a Priest]_

Hamlet: Mommy... and what is with the others and the coffin? Almost as if it's a suicide.. But then it had to have been a noble. Horatio lets hide over their

_[Horatio and Hamlet hide]_

Lareters: Isn't their more than this *looks around* 

Priest: No, be lucky you even get one for your sister

Laertes: Nothing else you can do?

Priest: Nope.. Not a thing!

Laertes: Alright.. Lay her in the earth

Hamlet: WHAT!! HiS SISTER!! OPHELIA,... WHAT!!

Queen: Good Day! Sweet young lady, I though that you would marry Hamlet, not kill your self..

_[Sprinkle Flowers over grave]_

Laertes: For everything bad in the world that we feel, may ten times of that fall on the jerk whoes wicked words hurt you so. And drove you to what you have done. 

Hamlet:_ [Comes forward] _Who are you to grive hardder than I! I am Hamlet the Dane, have returned!

Laertes: Go jump off a bridge Hamlet~

_[They Fight]_

Hamlet: Your not to bright are you.. I demand that you remove your fingers from me.. Don't forget I am the crazy one. I could snap, then where would you be dead in your sisters grave. 

King: Pull them apart!

All: For Cryin out LOUD!

Horatio: Please Clam down

Hamlet: I'd fight ofver this issue until the death. 

Queen: What would that be dear?

Hamlet: I LOVED Ophelia. I loved her more than the moon and starts, and what did you do for her Laertes, you Baka!

King: Don't mind him

Queen: For all that is holy, please just try and put up with him.

Hamlet: Come here pretty boy, what did you do for her! 

Queen: He is mad, that is all 

Hamlet: Hey You Jack.. I'm talking to you. Why do you walk all over me? I never did anything to you. Oh Well Destinty is unstoppable. The cat will mew and the dog will have his day. 

_[Hamlet Exit]_

King:: Haratio please check on him

_[Exit Horatio]_

King: Lareters don't pay him any mind.. And try not to kill him!

_EXIT_

_Act Five Scene II_

_Still in Elsinore. A hall in the castle Enter Hamlet and Horatio_

Hamlet: Now that taken care of, Now its on to the Next thing. You do remember what happened right?

Horatio: Yes.. I do!

Hamlet: Well hears the whole story.. Well we where sailin to england (or flyin) and I really coun't sleep. 

Horatio: Been their.. 

Hamlet: So I went for a walk, and I came across the room of Rosencrantx and Guild.. Forget it. I stole away that document that the king have gave them. I suck back to my room.. I then opened it and read it. It had a bunch of crap about England and Denmark.. Ect etc.. Then here was the best part.. It told England to behead me! Me..

Horatio.. DAMN.. Thats tough.. is that even possible??

Hamlet: Here is the letter, but please wait to read it.. Alright

Horatio: Oh Alright

Hamlet: Well I was mad as a wet hornet.. I then sat down to write out a new letter to England to replace the one that I took. I used a lot of big official sounding words I could think of.. I hope that it sounded like the other one. I then wrote more.. Guess what I wrote

Horatio: Tell Me..

Hamlet: I wrote a command from the king saying that to ensure good faith between England and Denmark that they should kill the two stooges..

Horatio: I can't believe that Claudius would do that to you.

Hamlet: Well lets take a look.. He killed my father, seducing my mother, stealing my inheritance and just making life awful.. I must stop him before he finds my Anime and Harry Potter collection under my bed and takes that too..

Horatio: shh Some one is comming.. 

_[Enter Osric]_

Osric: Welcome back Your Majesty 

Hamlet: Aside to Horatio Do you know this dork?

Osric: Sir, If I may have a some of your time, I have a message from the king. 

Hamlet: Fine what is it!

_[Insert 400+ Year old joke,, no one gets now days!]_

Osric: The king has placed a large wager on you winning the

Hamlet: What ever.. 

Osric: Laertes has returned from France. Such a polite, well-bread man.. A model citizen.

Hamlet: I'm Sure he is. So shut up, I can always listen to him bragging about his charms later.

Osric: You like him them, sir?

Hamlet: Yeah Sure.. 

Osric: Sir?

Horatio:_ [Aside to Hamlet]_ Your right, he is a total dork

Hamlet: You where saying about Laertes and the king.. The message please

Osric: I know you're not ignorant--   
Hamlet: I'm glad you realize that, although I really don't care what you think of me. Anyway, go on.   
Osric: You know how great Laertes is, and--   
Hamlet_:_ Yeah, yeah, Laertes is perfect and I'm scum. Get to the point.   
Osric_:_ I was referring to his weapon, sir.   
_Hamlet:_ I don't see what his "weapon" has to do with anything. Er...exactly which weapon were talking about? 

Osric_:_ The rapier and dagger. 

Hamlet: Yes I know he is very good with them..

Osric: Well the king has a little wager going on.. You and Larertes will duel..   
Hamlet: And if I refuse? 

Osric: I don't think that is going to happen

Hamlet: Figured as much.. If he wants to do it.. its fine with me.

Osric: I'll go tell him

_[Exit Osric]_

Horatio: He walks around like a chicken with no head. 

_[Enter a Lord]_

LORD: Sir, the king is ready for the duel..

Hamlet: No time like the present

_[Exit Lord]_

Horatio: Hamlet, do you think you can take him?

Hamlet: I don't know..

Horatio: Be careful.. Something is amiss, if something goes wrong, Stop I'll back you up and say that your sick or something. 

Hamlet: I know, but its not necessary.. The deepest meaning to things that if its ment to happen it going to happen and there is nothing you can do to change it. 

[_Enter King, Queen, Laertes, Osric, and Lords, with other Attendants with swords. A table is set up with flagons of wine._ ] 

King: Hamlet.come and greet your foe..

_[The King puts Laertes' hand into Hamlet's._ ] 

Hamlet: Excuse Me, Laertes. I have done you wrong. Forgive me. I am sure you know of my mental state...

Laertes: I am sorry but I can't excuse your mental state, or forgive you like you want. I will one day restore my family honor, but until then, I will try not to be mean to you.. 

Hamlet: Lets get some swords and have some play time..

Laertes: Lets.. Sword Please

Hamlet: You know that you could fence around me all day.. You just want to make your self look good, cause I suck at this..

Laertes: I'm not that good

Hamlet: Yes you are

King: Osric, give them the swords.. Hamlet.. You know of the bet going on.. 

Hamlet: Yes, but it was dumb on your part to bet on me!

King: Nah.. You'll do great

[Lary in the background, getting picky about his swords.. ]

King: I'll place some Pepsi on the table, and if Hamlet does well, I'll drop 500 yen in and toast to his health.. All right lets get started.. 

[They fight.. Hamlet gets the first hit]

King: Hold the show: Hand me the glass.. Hamlet: This 500 Yen is yours, think of all the Anime you could buy with it.. 

Hamlet: Not yet, I am not thirsty yet. 

_[They fight some more, Hamlet gets the second hit]_

Hamlet: I Owned you! 

Laretes: Nothing major.. Just a nick but you got me

King: He going to win, He's going to win

Queen: I don't think so.. Hamlet is not in good shape. Just look at him. Here Hamlet take my hannkie and wipe your brow off. I toast to your success,

Hamlet: Thanks Kind Mother of All Mothers

King: NOOO DON'T DRINK GERTUDE!

Queen: Don't be Silly Billy.. Why not?

King: _[Aside]_ Cause it's the one with poisned Cup. She is done for now.. I must now find a new queen! O well. 

Queen: Come Hamlet, let me wipe your brow..

Laertes: [Aside to the king] Can I kill him NOW!

King: Not Yet

Laertes: Alright, but I won't wait much longer..

Hamlet: Come on pretty boy I'm not scared of you.. 

Laertes: So you say

_[They fight some more]_

Larertes: I'll get you Hamlet!

_[They fight, and in the scuffle Hamlet get hurt and then somehow Larry get hurt with his own weopen, moron]_

King: PULL THEM APART!

[The queen falls]

Horatio: They are both bleeding. Are you guys alright..

Osric: You alright their Laertes

Laertes: I'm I alright.. I'm I ALRIGHT! I just got done in by my own planning.. Do I look ALRIGHT!

Hamlet: Mommy

King: She Fainted from the sight of blood

Queen: It was the Pepsi.. It was poisoned..

_[She dies]_

Hamlet: Mommy.. Quick lock the door.. We'll catch the bastard

_[Larry falls_]

Laertes: You don't need to that.. I am the person Hamlet. And a side note Hamlet, your as good as dead for the sword was tanited. Nothing yo can do can save you now. Even myself has been hit by it.. I shall never rise again. And the one to blame is the KING!

Hamlet: The sword point envenomed, too? Wasn't that a little excessive? Well, then, poison, do your stuff!   
[_Hamlet slashes at the King with the sword, wounding him._] 

Others: TREASON...

King: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.. HELP ME!

[Hamlet rushes at the king and forces him to dink the poisoned wine]

Hamlet: Here you murderous damned Dane, follow my mother!

_[King dies]_

_[Laretes asks for Hamlet forgness and then dies_]

Hamlet: I forgive you Larry and may Heaven do the same. I will follow you soon, for I am dead man walking. Bye Mum.. And to all who trembing with fear.. Who had nothing to do with this... if I had the time to tell you.. Forget it! Horatio, I am dead and your alive and kicking. You must go forth and spread the word tell all what happed here.. 

Horatio: I'm sorry but I can't for I must die with you.. It's the roman thing to do.

Hamlet: Stupid Baka! For the Love of God you must go forth..

Horatio: Nope sorry.. I can't

Hamlet:_ [Aside to Horatio]_ Alright you can have my Anime collection under my bed.

Horatio: Alright deal._.[Aside to Hamlet]_

Hamlet: For my family honor 

Horatio: For honor

_[Distant sound of a marching army and a rifle shot]_

_[It's the returning army of Fortinbras.. ]_

Hamlet: I die now Horatio.. He will be a great leader for the people. Please tell him everything that has happened here. 

_[Hamlet Dies]_

Horatio: Now stops a noble heart. Good Night my friend and prince. 

_[Enter Fortinbrans and English Ambassadors]. _

Fortinbras: Hello, I'm looking for— What the heck happened her.. 

Horatio: If your looking for the legion of doom, then you have found it.. Ticket Please?

Fortinbras: Look at the dead bodies.. *mumbles something* What happened..What a mess

Ambassador: I have come to tell that the stupid idoits are dad, but now I see that I have come across something much worse.. From whom may I collect my award.. 

Horatio: Not the king, Even if he had the ability to thank you.. He could not for he did not order the death of the two.. But I did see what happened hear tonight... 

Fortinbras: Yes Please tell.. Call everyone together.. I do happen to have a claim to the Danish Thrown.. 

Horatio: Hamlet had a message about that.. But it can wait.. Lets get this place cleaned up before anything else happenes.. 

Fortinbras: Let four of my captains carry Hamlet like a soldier to the platform where the bodies are to be displayed. If he had lived, I think he would have been a great soldier, and so he deserves to be buried with military honors. Now would somebody please get these corpses out of here before they start to stink up the palace? And someone tell the soldiers to fire off a salute.   
[_Soldiers carry out the bodies. Everyone exits, and a gun salute is heard._] 

Author Note: I do not own Hamlet, and I don't ever plan to own Hamlet.. He can keep it! The songs "Knockin on Heaven's Door," by Gun's N Roses' is used without the author Okay.. The Song "Stair Way To Heaven," by Led Zeppelin is also used without the authors Alrighty. Please don't sue me! Any likeness to anyone or anything is not my fault.. It's the fault of lack of sleep, and the effect of Japanese Pop Band D*A*I (Do As Infinity).. 

Paris


End file.
